Hello. My name is David Byrne. This is a story about Karma starring Ladeeleroy and featuring me and my fine British ass.
Red River Revel Festival 1990
Band: Trout Fishing In America
Ladeeleroy's Height: 5' 2"
"Excuse me, miss. Do you mind moving out of the way? You're pretty tall for a 12-year-old and my little boy here, the one in the wheel chair right here, well, he can't see the stage because your freakish 12-year-old girl height is blocking his view."
Ladeeleroy: "Um. No."
Liberty Lunch 1997
Band: Dance Hall Crashers
Ladeeleroy's Height: 5' 10"
"Yo, girly girl. You're all up in my viewing spaceage and, like, I can't totally see the set because, like you weren't made at the glass factory and shit, and like, you know, it's bumming me out. Like, can you move or something?"
Ladeeleroy: "You must be high. You must be so high that you don't realize that if you moved a little to the left right there you can see the right side of the bassist's face. Cool out."
Band: Old 97's
Ladeeleroy's Height: 6'0"
"Hey. Hey you. Tall chick that's dancing all weird. Hey. Hey. Can you fucking move out of the way? We're all short and we're all standing behind you and we can't see shit. Although we were punished by Gawd with our scrawniness we, too, would like to have the experience of seeing Rhett Miller sweat and stumble around the stage but we can't because your tall ass is dancing all over the place blocking every possible hole we have to catch a glimpse of what's going on."
Ladeeleroy: "I'm sorry I can't hear you, I'm dancing."
Karma, Present Day
Karma: Ladeeleroy, you best be watching your karma back because you've fucked ways too many people over at concerts by not being the neighborly concert go-er yous supposed to bes.
Ladeeleroy: Karma! You got chocolate in my peanut butter!
The Backyard, Last Night
Band: David Byrne (lead singer of the Talking Heads)
Ladeeleroy's Height: 6'0"
Ladeeleroy: Oh boy! Oh boy! Oh boy! I am so freaking excited. This is going to be the best concert ever! I am so happy that I am here! I am so happy that I am buzzed! I am so happy that my friends are with me and that Ace of Bass wanted to come along and that I'm in Austin right now and that I'm alive and love the entire world and I am so happy! Whoo Hooo! Whoo Hoo! Whoooooooo Hoooooo! David Byrne! I don't care if you're British! You're still fine! Whoooooo Hoooooo!
Group of Friends: Whooooo! Hooooo! We too are equally excited and equally buzzed. Oh! We see a hole up front. We should all go over there and stand closer to the stage, hence making our concert experience more worthy.
Ladeeleroy: I agree! Let the migration to the hole commence!
(Ladeeleroy and friends migrate to concert crowd hole. When they arrive, they realize that said crowd hole is actually a man standing on a 4x4' blanket. This blanket is taking up an extrodinary amount of space.)
Ladeeleroy: Excuse me sir, do you mind if we push your blanket over a bit? We'd like to stand here and, since you obviously are not lying down on this blanket, we are assuming that you are not truly an asshole and will not be one of those people who takes up incredible amounts of space at an already incredibly crowded concert by stretching out an incredibly large bed spread and standing in the middle of it.
Asshole with Blanket: You would assume incorrectly. I am 52-years-old. I am here with my wife who is a bit skittish and practically seizures when bugs fly near her. I do not like the smell of Mary Jane that is pouring off of all of you. I do not like the way you are all dressed in comfortable jeans and converse. I do not like the fact that I will die 50 years before you do. Therefore, I will not move myself nor my blanket.
Ladeeleroy: Well sir, with this single gesture of asshole-ishness, my friends and I will now be forced to kick dirt on you blanket throughout the entire concert.
Asshole with Blanket: Yet I will only believe you to be dancing and the dirt falling upon my blanket part of the consequences of such an act.
Ladeeleroy: Correct. My friends and I will also be forced to blow all cigarette smoke that emits from our mouths in your general direction.
Asshole with Blanket: And in return, I will merely glance with a disgusted look in your direcetion but not say one single word.
Ladeeleroy: Excellent. I'm glad we're understanding each other. Also, during the song "As Days Go By", we will be dancing our asses off and 'accidentally' hitting you with our elbows, feet, Shiner Bocks, and anger.
Asshole with Blanket: I understand completely. I am going to turn away from you now and try my damndest to not enjoy myself at what is perhaps one of the best shows to hit Austin.
Ladeeleroy: Carry on.
Enter Tallest Man in Austin.
Tallest Man in Austin: Ho Hum. Here I am at the David Byrne concert. What a wonderful evening. I'm so glad that I dragged my 7'2" boney ass to this concert. I'm also so glad that I brought my 5'4" girlfriend along with me so that I can stoop down throughout the entire event and make small talk with her. It is obvious to everyone else that this girl is way too young for me, but I will just keep telling myself that it's perfectly natural.... Oh! Look a spot! I will slope over there and plant myself firmly in the middle of this mass of people.
Ladeeleroy: Son of a bitch. I'm fucking stuck behind the Tallest Man in Austin. Son of a bitch. The concert is starting!
David Byrne: Hello Austin! I'm David Byrne. I don't know if you know this, but I'm British. I'm also about 25 years older than Ladeeleroy. However, I am one fucking hot mother fucker and I have the smoothest moves. I have this one particular dance step where I sway my tight ass back and forth and close my eyes and sing to the sky. My white spiked hair is the most attractive thing about me, after my music of course. I am going to sing one of Ladeeleroy's favorite songs right now and dance about the stage.
Ladeeleroy: Wait! Wait David Byrne! I can't see you! I can't see you!
Tallest Man in Austin: I can see everything! I can see everything!
David Byrne: I'm going to dance slyly to the left side of the stage now.
Ladeeleroy: Oh! Oh! Oh! He's moving to the left now! I'm going to be able to see him.
Tallest Man in Austin: I shall now move to the left in order to see David Byrne dance his tight British ass off.
Ladeeleroy: Dammit! Dammit!
David Byrne: Ladies and gentelmen! You're being such a great crowd that I will now dance over to the right hand side of the stage as a treat to all of you!
Ladeeleroy: Oh! Oh! He's moving to the right! He's moving to the right!
Tallest Man in Austin: I will now lean over to my girlfriend, who is standing on the right hand side of me, and talk to her in her ear for about two minutes.
David Byrne: I'm going to stay on this side of the stage for about two minutes.
Ladeeleroy: Dammit! Dammit! Dammit! Karma! Why must you fuck me up the ass so?!?!
A bright flash and smoke. Karma appears.
Stoners in the Crowd: Whoooooa.
Karma: Ladeeleroy, girrrrrrrrrrlfriend. Have you learned your lesson 'bout standing in front of peoples who are shorter than you at very expensive concerts?
Ladeeleroy: You mean this was some sort of test?
Asshole with Blanket: Um, excuse me Karma, but you're standing on my blanket.
Karma: Bitch, step off. I'm Karma. I'm talking to my girl Ladeeleroy right now.
Ladeeleroy: Gee Karma, you're right. I never really thought about how I was actually ruining the enjoyment of others with my mere existance at concerts. Now, after experiencing this particular incident, I see the error of my ways.
Asshole with Blanket: Listen Karma. You're going to need to step off of this blanket here. I put it on the ground in order to keep riff raff supernatural powers like you away from me and my loved one.
Karma: Bitch. Did you not hear me? You best be steppin' off my ass before I get all "Instant Karma's Gonna Get You" up in this mug.
Asshole with Blanket: Please do not force me to get security. Step away from the blanket, Karma.
Ladeeleroy:(to herself) I never realized how much pain and frustration I was inflicting on my fellow music lovers. I feel so incredibly horrible. This must be how they feel. Geez.
Karma: Listen, Asshole with Blanket, you've really chapped my hide. You've really pissed Karma off this time. You're about to be getting some fucking shit coming your way.
Asshole with Blanket: I'd like to see you try, Karma. Bring it on. Bring. It. On.
A flash. Some smoke. Something happens.
Stoners in Crowd: Whoooooa again.
Tallest Man in Austin: For some reason, I've got the inkling that I'd like to move about 6 feet to my left hand side. In fact, that spot right in front of that short, bald, stiff guy with the blanket seems like a heavenly place to stand and enjoy the rest of the concert. I'm going to move over there right now!
Asshole with Blanket: What what what! Nooooooooooooooooooo! You may have gotten me this time Karma! If it weren't for these meddling kids and their blanket-kicking, pot-smoking, enjoying-life-to-the-fullest-ways!
Ladeeleroy and Friends: Thanks, Karma!
Karma: No problem my bitches. You homies have a fabu' time at this concert. I'm outta here. Karma can't jam to this shit. Karma's got to get to a Parliment cover band over in Philly. Karma will catch you later! But before I go, here is a magical potion that will make your concert experience ten time better: It's called Beer!
Ladeeleroy and Friends: You're the best Karma.
Karma: I'm out.
(Flash. Smoke. Blah blah blah.)
Stoners in Crowd: Blah blah blah whoooooa.
David Byrne: Hello Ladeeleroy!
Ladeeleroy: Hello David Byrne! I can see you fully now! You are doing such an amazing job and I'm going to dance my ass off for the rest of this concert and the three encores that follow it because I think you are just that grand!
David Byrne: Wonderful! I will, in return, play all the songs that you think are the best off of my new album and will continue to shake my british ass in such a way that it seems the sweat beads that fly off of it are spelling your name.
Ladeeleroy: I am appreciative of this!
David Byrne: And I am appreciative of your paying $33.50 and buying my $14.99 "Into the Eyeball" album twice.
Ladeeleroy: I did all those things because I love you, David Byrne.
David Byrne: And I you, Ladeeleroy. Now, I shall sing "The Great Intoxication" and make you feel as if all is well and right in the world.
Ladeeleroy: Thank you David Byrne. Merry Christmas.
David Byrne: And Merry Christmas to you, Ladeeleroy.
Tiny Tim: And may God bless us one and all!
Asshole with Blanket: Hey, you crippled kid. Off the blanket.